By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
