When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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