you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
