I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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