I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
