1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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