i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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