Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
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just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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