she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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