I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
