Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
