my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
