Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
