she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I need moral support for this bender
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
