Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
