Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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