i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
