we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
