Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
