i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
