i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
