i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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