Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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