would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
