Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
