Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
