at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
try to milk me bitch
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