Im at strip club and am horny
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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