I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
