Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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