I just made out with a guy for $7.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
