My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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