I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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