bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
