Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
