I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
