First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
