To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
