How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
