i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Randomize
