I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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