Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
