you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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