My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Two words: blizzard sex
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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