Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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