Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I wish you could order shots online.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
