a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
