: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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