Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
