i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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