fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Randomize
