you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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