She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
