are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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